The new beginning

Today, I woke up too early. I had new things to develop and still have it. Today is a day that I've been waiting for months; the day that I'd call The B-day. Not about birthday or anything like that, but The Beginning Day. 

This year of 2015 was a year to learn more about myself, about people around me, to learn more about my faith and about my fears.

Today, I'll have the chance to make new possibilities happen, I'll have the opportunity to improve myself as a human being again.

Today, I'm going to restart my career where it was stopped, but creating new visions about my way. 

First of all, I'd like to say THANK YOU God for make me a strong man that I wouldn't think I could be. Thank you to my whole family for the support during these hard times. Thank you to my blessed gift, 'cause since you appeared in my life, great things has happend to me! ❤️

Thank you to all my true friends for being here, by my side, making me smile even when I wanted to cry!!!

Now, it's time to run, time to create, time to be the best one! 😃

Você é feliz?

Eu fui feliz? Eu sou feliz? Eu serei feliz? Na geração atual, da qual faco parte, essas são três perguntas das quais estamos sempre querendo nos convencer da resposta. E quando digo 'queremos nos convencer' é no sentido de sempre querermos ter como resposta positiva mesmo que a realidade seja negativa. Talvez seja uma forma de nos sentirmos motivados a sermos felizes e conformados, ou talvez seja por preguiça de fazer mudanças que sejam necessárias a nós pra nos sentirmos felizes da forma que nos leve a plenitude.

Quantas vezes você se fez essas perguntas? Creio que várias. Porém, quantas vezes você se respondeu com sinceridade? Acredito que poucas. E sabe por que? Porque temos a tendência de nos enganar, de mentir para nós mesmos já que não suportamos a ideia da falha, de termos errado em algum momento do caminho, e sermos responsáveis pela falta de felicidade. Mas ora, nos realmente somos responsáveis; tanto pela nossa felicidade quanto pela não felicidade. Só nós podemos escrever  o rumo da nossa estoria, seja de vitorias felizes ou de derrotas infelizes.

Tenho passado por momentos não muito felizes, que me fizeram sair do eixo e que fizeram eu perder um pouco a confiança em mim, coisas que aconteceram e que me fizeram e ainda fazem um pouco infeliz. 

Hoje sinto como se me faltassem partes, como se a minha felicidade não existisse mais, sinto que me falta alguma coisa. Entretanto ate mesmo antes das perdas que tive; eu não me sentia pleno, não me sentia completo, me via navegando e buscando coisas que nem eu mesmo sabia o que eram. Porém, ha alguns dias me fiz essas 3 perguntas e sabem qual foi minha resposta? Não sei!

Alias, eu hoje sei. Eu já fui feliz, eu sou feliz, e eu serei feliz! A diferença que hoje chego a conclusão que as minhas metas de felicidade se encontravam em lugares, pessoas e coisas erradas. Eu já havia as alcançado! Havia me esquecido que ser feliz era ser abençoado por Deus por ter uma família estruturada, que me ama do jeito que sou, de ter estudos e oportunidades que muitos não tiveram, de ter amigos que cuidam e se preocupam comigo, de ter inteligencia e maturidade suficiente pra discernir sobre o certo e o errado, de ser um jovem homem saudável, de ter caráter, de ter dois bracos e duas pernas que me habilitam a lutar e trabalhar, e ser o homem que nunca imaginei ser na minha adolescência. 

Confundimos muito os verbos ser e estar. Apesar de similares, o SER feliz é muito mais importante do que o ESTAR. Há dias que não ESTAMOS felizes, mas isso não significa que não sejamos e vice-versa. Porem e necessário buscar no tempo passado as respostas pra entender o seu tempo presente e ter base pra escrever o tempo futuro do seu verbo SER feliz!

Fui feliz, por tudo de bom e ruim que me apareceu pelo caminho. Sou feliz pelo que sou e por surpreender a mim mesmo a cada dia. Serei feliz, porque me fiz único, simples, grandioso e inabalável; e as possibilidades que me dei renovaram e renovarão a cada dia minha fé em mim!

Hoje tenho minhas respostas. 

E você, é feliz?

I swear to God, I will

Tonight, I dreamt about you, and once again I didn't want to wake up. Was good seeing you by my side again. Was good seeing your eyes looking directly in me. Was good seeing your smile, feeling that love we've usually had before.

I can't refuse that I still miss you. That's a thing hurting me, but today it's better than 2 months ago. Today I can walk without thinking of you or of us together. Nowadays, I just want develop my stuff and see the world through my own eyes, only.

I swear to God, I'll forget you and I'll survive. I still thinking of you because different from you, I really loved you and this love still meaning something to me. Although my heart's still bleeding and thinking of you is a thing that I don't wanna do; I know  it's gonna over soon.

I'm gonna be okay again, in my own 100%!

Try it again

Today I was surfing into instagram and I saw a good thing. Some weeks ago, a couple that I follow there have broken up. I don't know what exactly happend but I guess it was something related with betrayal. One of them was betrayed by the other, I guess.

I felt sad because they were a beautiful couple. I've never met them, but I followed them 'cause I've identified my story like theirs; full of love, friendship, partnership, and admiring each other. But knowing they ended up their relationship really shocked me, even due to this reason. 

It made me sure that 2015 has been a years of unexpected things. I saw things from one of them, that I felt in my own skin this year. All kind of sadness, deception, bad feelings, delusion, and all kind of bad stuff! 

But, at the same time, I also saw good things coming from the betrayed one. I saw his will to survive after this turbulance, living his life as if tomorrow couldn't exist anymore. That's a kind of thing I need and I want for me right now.

As I was saying, today I was surfing into instagram and I realized good things. The betrayed one is in Rio, enjoying the weekend visiting turistic places, but his ex-partner is also there, taking pics at the same places, enjoying the wonderful city together, smiling and loving each other. But, I think nobody knows they're traveling together, none of their friends.

I'm happy seeing them giving for each other another chance to solve their differences. I didn't have this opportunity, even knowing in my case if I had it, it would work. But I wasn't alone in it, we were two, and as a brazilian expression says; "when one of them don't want it, both of them don't fight for it!"

So, I hope they solve it, to keep their smiles upon their faces, maybe that way I could update my faith in love and in other relationship again, seeing they're happy again together!

Ana Carolina - 'Só Fala em Mim'

2 F*cking F Words

You know, some things haven't been easy to me, things about feelings. There are two words in mind that I can't work with together, even trying hard as right now: forgive and forget.

We had big plans together, we've built great hopes and wills, and now I'm walking alone my way. I always though I'd have you here by my side and for a long time it supported me to keep going further. After all the things we've passed through together, I've never though I'd write this kind of post. How can I forget? Forget our plans, forget the love that you gave me and accept that everything is over? It hasn't been easy, maybe for you but not me, even after 3 months.

I'm trying to forgive, really, I've been trying day by day. I'm living what my life has reserved for me to feel better things and don't feed bad feelings about you in my heart. I know these bad feelings could make me sad, angry, and heavy and I don't wanna be that way. I need to think and to consider good things for me, make me feel good, but it's too soon to forgive. Trust me, I'd like to forgive you as faster as I can, to go on in my way without any fear. But I can't do it. I need more time, time to 'rebuild' myself.

Yesterday, I missed your hugs... Today, I woke up crying missing you by my side. But I know, everything's gonna be alright, I'm fighting for it.

Hopes, Feelings and Fear

Another monday is coming. Another week is starting. I dont know if it's good or if I'll have bad things during this time. Every week, I've been fighting against myself, against my fears, or against some feelings that I've had inside me.

There are many ways to handle about things and I don't know if I've done all the right choices. Sometimes, some things hurt me. Sometimes, I realize I'm thinking about things/people/places/feelings that I wanna forget. Just closing my eyes have not been enough for me. I've tried to find an escape, something to help me to decrease these bad ass feelings, taking 'em off of my mind. I must do good things for me, I must feel myself stronger than before. I am strong, I just need something or somewhere to restart.

Lost letters

It has been hard waking up, because all of my days have been the same.

It has been hard trying something different, when all of my ideas are empty.

I don't wanna leave my bed anymore, because I don't know where I can find something to restart.

I see a lot of doors in front of me, but none of them are open to me. I'd like to be as smarter as the others, and find out a new way to rebuild myself with my pieces that are on the floor. 

I confess, the struggle has been real and sometimes I think about giving up. But why? I also know there are people around me and they believe in me, in my capacity, they know me, some times more than myself!

By 6 months ago, I had everything that I though I needed, even that time something is missed. Now, I missed everything and I'm feeling lost and even if I'd decide about giving up, I really don't know about what.

Resolvi

Resolvi não pensar, não buscar, não sentir;

resolvi não me ferir, e nem abrir mais a ferida que ainda arde.
Se está sendo fácil? Não está.
Se está tudo claro na minha cabeça? Não, realmente não está.
Mas resolvi mesmo assim ficar para ver e esperar.

Resolvi abdicar, sofrer e chorar;
resolvi abrir os olhos, resolvi me arriscar;
mas não querendo te riscar daqui, te risquei.
Não te apaguei, apenas não escrevi seu nome mais;
É um risco eu sei, mas se optamos chegar ate aqui é porque o risco tinha que valer.

Um dia resolvi te amar, resolvi tentar;
um dia resolvi te abraçar, resolvi te querer, resolvi estar;
um dia você resolveu viver, e eu resolvi respeitar;
um dia eu resolvi me abrir, e você resolveu se fechar.

Um dia resolvi que queria você pra sempre aqui
e você não resolveu se queria ficar...

Gleydson Barroso.