2 F*cking F Words

You know, some things haven't been easy to me, things about feelings. There are two words in mind that I can't work with together, even trying hard as right now: forgive and forget.

We had big plans together, we've built great hopes and wills, and now I'm walking alone my way. I always though I'd have you here by my side and for a long time it supported me to keep going further. After all the things we've passed through together, I've never though I'd write this kind of post. How can I forget? Forget our plans, forget the love that you gave me and accept that everything is over? It hasn't been easy, maybe for you but not me, even after 3 months.

I'm trying to forgive, really, I've been trying day by day. I'm living what my life has reserved for me to feel better things and don't feed bad feelings about you in my heart. I know these bad feelings could make me sad, angry, and heavy and I don't wanna be that way. I need to think and to consider good things for me, make me feel good, but it's too soon to forgive. Trust me, I'd like to forgive you as faster as I can, to go on in my way without any fear. But I can't do it. I need more time, time to 'rebuild' myself.

Yesterday, I missed your hugs... Today, I woke up crying missing you by my side. But I know, everything's gonna be alright, I'm fighting for it.

Hopes, Feelings and Fear

Another monday is coming. Another week is starting. I dont know if it's good or if I'll have bad things during this time. Every week, I've been fighting against myself, against my fears, or against some feelings that I've had inside me.

There are many ways to handle about things and I don't know if I've done all the right choices. Sometimes, some things hurt me. Sometimes, I realize I'm thinking about things/people/places/feelings that I wanna forget. Just closing my eyes have not been enough for me. I've tried to find an escape, something to help me to decrease these bad ass feelings, taking 'em off of my mind. I must do good things for me, I must feel myself stronger than before. I am strong, I just need something or somewhere to restart.

Lost letters

It has been hard waking up, because all of my days have been the same.

It has been hard trying something different, when all of my ideas are empty.

I don't wanna leave my bed anymore, because I don't know where I can find something to restart.

I see a lot of doors in front of me, but none of them are open to me. I'd like to be as smarter as the others, and find out a new way to rebuild myself with my pieces that are on the floor. 

I confess, the struggle has been real and sometimes I think about giving up. But why? I also know there are people around me and they believe in me, in my capacity, they know me, some times more than myself!

By 6 months ago, I had everything that I though I needed, even that time something is missed. Now, I missed everything and I'm feeling lost and even if I'd decide about giving up, I really don't know about what.